Supernatural's Got Talent
by thefriendlyguy63
Summary: Since things are currently rather tedious in Heaven and Hell, Gabriel decides to spice things up a bit. AU where everyone's alive. Not set in any particular season. (Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, or any of the characters.)
1. In Which Gabriel Reveals Himself

**A/N:**

**Hello again! I was so excited to start writing this fanfic, you have no idea. It's so much happier than my last one – Bad Parenting – and I'm trying to make it as funny as possible. This one will be about 3-4 chapters (I promise I won't go over that this time), and is pure bizarreness. I got the idea for this when I was watching the X-Factor and my mind was drifting, so I hope you enjoy it!**

**P.S. This fanfic is dedicated to blackrabbitkani, who helped by giving me a few ideas for various things. Thank you!**

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><p>It was a rather tedious day in Heaven and in Hell. The angels (in particular, Michael and Castiel) were not really doing much, mostly paperwork or reading up on various holy books, as that is the only form of leisure in Heaven, other than aimlessly wandering through arbitrary residents personal Heavens, which some younger, more adventurous angels prefer to others. On the other end of the spectrum was Hell. An equal, if not increased amount of paperwork was demanding to be filled out for many demons, and it always caused them to be down in the dumps – well, for a demon, being 'down in the dumps' consisted of being extra snappy and threatening to agonisingly torture fellow demons left, right and centre. The King of the Crossroads was particularly bored, having excessive amounts of forms to fill out far above the regular demons. Many souls had been converted into demons too recently; therefore there was a significantly depleted amount of human souls left to torture, which was another reason for the immense boredom concerning the citizens of Hell. Up in the definitely more celestial kingdom, a few angels situated in separate areas of Heaven sighed collectively, as did many demons in Hell, however the latter was accompanied by simultaneous sassy eye-rolling.<p>

Michael, the big-daddy archangel, was perched at his clean white desk, which he had already tidied up several times. He stared at the pure (also white) walls of his office and dreamed about the day that he would inhabit his true vessel and wander the Earth again. It was a far-fetched dream, though.

Castiel, the trench coat-clad seraph, was currently observing the 'righteous man', who appeared to be arguing with his brother about which Led Zeppelin album was the best, to which the younger brother was replying with the counter that he wasn't even particularly keen on the classic rock band, then the older brother retorted by claiming how weird he was, since 'classic rock is the best genre in music, you freak' (quote unquote). The angel smiled to himself. Although he didn't understand what they were talking about, being unbelievably oblivious to human traits and hobbies, he always enjoyed watching and listening to the Winchesters.

Balthazar, the sassiest angel in the garrison, was also situated on Earth. He could be found in a nightclub in Russia by the name of 'Небо и земля' ('Heaven and Earth'), which he himself had actually created. The angel was having a rave party with a group of newfound companions (they were extraordinarily laid-back for Russians, and Balthazar did have a sneaking suspicion that they were, in fact, werewolves, however they were great company, so what the hell) who had offered him some interesting looking glow-in-the-dark drugs. Naturally, he gladly accepted. And so he remained partying, planning on doing so until the early hours of the morning.

Samandriel, the adorable angelic baby, was simply reading in a little corner of Heaven, a beautiful garden in which he loved to relax in his spare moments. The book he was currently reading ('Good Omens') was one which his big brother Gabriel had smuggled into Heaven for him from down on Earth, since any form of enjoyment seemed to be banned up there, plus the trickster had said it was a particularly amusing story. Humans made the best literature, in his opinion; Samandriel's personal favourite was 'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.' A faint smile played upon the angel's lips as he read through the book, occasionally peering out and gazing at the pure tranquillity of the garden in which he sat.

Crowley, the most awesome crossroads demon there has ever been and ever will be, perched at his mahogany desk that was splashed with the periodical drop of blood from a demon he killed for his incompetence earlier on in the day, closely cradling a glass of Craig. He sighed at the stack of paperwork that was almost out-facing him, and continued his work, reluctantly picking up the next piece of paper on the pile.

Meg, probably the most loyal of Lucifer's loyalists, was attempting to train some hellhounds in the hellhound-training area of Hell; however one of them, who she had named Romeo, was being particularly rebellious. He refused to obey a word she said, so eventually, she simply uttered a brief incantation that would cause the puppy to yelp in pain every time he did the opposite of what she told him to do.

Abaddon, the only remaining Knight of Hell and world's angriest ginger, stood tall over an excessive pile of corpses, entrails dripping from her clawed hands. She was on Earth, and had just massacred a small village of people in order to vent her anger. She figured they wouldn't be missed. After doing such a thing, she had nothing left to do, therefore teleported to a main street in New York and aimlessly wandered down it, freaking out various people she passed on the pavement due to the fact that she was still covered in the crimson of her victims.

Lucifer, who art still locked up in the Cage, sighed despairingly as he felt a particular sense of boredom. All he longed for was something to do; he wished he had some good literature to re-read, for example 'The Shining', or 'The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde', his personal favourites. But he didn't, therefore he simply slumped against the wall of his cell and stared into the worst corner of Hell.

All of the aforementioned angels and demons simultaneously heard a slight chuckle as they were doing whatever I said they were doing before shortly finding themselves in a room together. Well, not so much a room, as a giant indoor stage which was surrounded by thousands upon thousands of tiered chairs, yet one row was in front of the rest, directly in front of the stage, and consisted of four chairs only.

"What the devil is going on here?" Balthazar was the first to comment as the unlikely group of supernatural beings glanced around in confusion and slight fury, in some cases.

"Oh, I'm right here." Lucifer replied, taking the angel's expression literally. On realising that Satan himself was beside them all, everyone's reactions were instantaneous.

"Brother…" Michael whispered ominously.

"Daddy! You're home!" Meg ran up to Lucifer, throwing her arms lovingly around him.

"Oh no." Castiel and Samandriel muttered in synchronisation, then glanced at each other and said 'hi.' Meanwhile, Crowley screamed by accident, yelled 'bloody hell', and almost ran away while Abaddon simply rolled her eyes, as if she still found the whole thing tedious and clearly thought everyone else in the room was an idiot. Once everyone had vaguely got over Satan's presence, they tried to turn to the situation at hand, yet the subject soon changed back to argument.

"Was this you, brother? Did you summon us all here?" Michael inquired, sounding more offended than genuinely curious.

"Why would I do that? You all despise me, and I you. Plus, how could I if I was still in the Cage?" Lucifer made a good point.

"And we all know whose fault that is, don't we? Fool…" Balthazar added. Normally, he would have realised that blatantly insulting the Devil was a terrible mistake, however he was still slightly tipsy from clubbing, and Lucifer ignored him nonetheless.

"May I ask, why did you fall, Lucifer?" Samandriel asked politely, his shy voice quiet and strangely nice, considering who he was speaking to and what was actually happening.

"Really? You're gonna ask a question like that at a time like this?" Abaddon raised her eyebrows and shook her head in disbelief.

"I'm sorry – I-I just… I always wanted to ask you that question personally, and now you're here, I just thought I would maybe- I don't know…" The adorable baby angel trailed off and melted into the background, suddenly aware of how ridiculous he sounded.

"Seriously you guys, I think we should concentrate on who put us here." Meg piped up, finally pulling away from Lucifer, yet making sure one hand lingered in the air halfway between them at all times.

"I agree." Castiel defended the demon, glancing at her confusedly as she winked at him.

"The whore has a point. I blame the Winchesters." Crowley added, standing as far away from Satan as humanly (or rather, demonically) possible and constantly snatching hesitant glances at him. Lucifer still ignored him, and everyone else for that matter, instead staring intensely down at his hand.

"Sam and Dean did not do this. I would assume it's one of your kind. You tend to be the ones that mess everything up." The seraph retorted with a sassy tone, glaring at the King of the Crossroads as he leapt to defend the Winchesters and simultaneously managed to insult demons in general. He clearly had had enough of Crowley already, which wasn't much of a surprise.

"Whoa, whoa, hold up there! You're giving humans and demons credit for my doings? Try again, bro." A different yet instantly recognisable voice resonated throughout the theatre. The group all looked around the stage, scrutinising the darkness in the wings in the hope of finding a certain archangel, but with no luck. However, a moment later, said archangel appeared in the audience, sauntering casually down one of the aisles, munching on a chocolate bar as he approached his brothers and enemies with a supercilious grin plastered across his face.

"No, no, no. This is my own handiwork. Awesome, ain't it? It's actually based off the Grand Theatre in Leeds, England, but details, am I right?" Gabriel blabbered on as the various angels and demons before him simply stared, expecting him to carry on (my wayward son). So he did.

"Weeeell, I'm sure you're wanting to know why I brought you all here. The thing is, I'm bored with the whole Heaven and Hell malarkey. It's just angels pussy-footing around, waiting until the Apocalypse is upon us to finally make their move, while the demons do whatever the hell they want, if you'll pardon the pun. So I've come to settle it." A murmur rippled through the small crowd in response to the trickster's proposition.

"Gabriel…" Michael and Castiel both muttered, Cas sounding concerned, Michael somewhat more threatening, yet the youngest archangel silenced them.

"Don't worry, you'll live. Maybe." At that comment, coupled with Gabriel's jokey smirk, Michael prepared to smite him, yet the younger brother interceded, the grin falling from his face in fear; although Gabriel was the trickster, he knew the oldest archangel was more than capable of wiping him off the board if he so wished. "JK, JK, you'll live, okay?! Jeez, someone's touchy today…" Michael stood down, realising he was treating Gabriel in a similar way to how he also treated Lucifer. The only difference was that he would never in a million years hurt Gabriel. Regardless of his brother's thought process, the trickster continued addressing everyone.

"This is how it's gonna work: I've designed a talent show 'specially for you guys. There'll be one for Heaven and one for Hell. Basically, you lot" – Gabriel gestured to the angels – "have to invite the other peeps in the garrisons to participate in Heaven's talent show, and _you_ lot" – Gabriel then switched his gaze to the demons – "invite all of your demon minions to take part in Hell's version. Make sure to tell them it can be any act, such as singing, dancing, hell, even summoning a cute little human out of a hat. They can use supernatural powers, but not to harm anyone. For once, I'm being a pacifist. That takes us to your job. Michael, Cas, Balthazar and Sammy, you will be the judges for Heaven, and Crowley, Meg, Abaddouche- I mean Abaddon and Luci, you are the allocated judges for Hell. You have to choose a winner, whichever act is the most fabulous and awesome and- what I'm saying is, pick the act that reminds you most of me. Capiche?"

"Wait – what happens to the winner? There will be two, so what will they do?" Meg inquired, evidently believing in asking relevant questions. Although she usually despised anyone who stood in her way and insisted on playing games with her, she actually kind of liked the guy. He certainly had style.

"That's for me to know, and you to find out, missy. But I'll give you a hint: only one side can win. Have fun judging, droogs. And may the best man, woman, angel, demon, supernaturally powerful or nerdy weakling supernatural dude win. Adios." After a seductive wiggle of his eyebrows, Gabriel clicked his fingers and disappeared.


	2. In Which The Acts For Heaven Are Shown

Michael sighed, and, feeling like a complete and utter idiot (which didn't happen often), called out to whoever was the first angel waiting in the wings. "We are ready for the first audition."

The judges – Castiel, Balthazar and Samandriel, with Michael as the head judge, of course – were sitting in four comfortably cushioned spin chairs parallel to an internally lighted panel. Well, I say sitting; Castiel and Samandriel were perching awkwardly on the edge, due to still being unused to sitting down; Michael sat more into his seat, but with his back ramrod straight, as he had been taught by his Father; meanwhile, Balthazar couldn't get more laid back, with one leg dangling over the armrest, and the rest of his body practically sprawling over the remainder of the chair, with his arms insouciantly folded. Immediately after Gabriel had instructed them as to what they had to do, said angels had retreated back to Heaven and Michael sent out the message about the auditions via angel radio, while the others simply waited in the background. They had then waited another couple of days while the angels that would be auditioning practised their acts to perfection. Then, once they had all prepared, the judges found themselves abruptly teleported back to the theatre, which brings us back to the start of the auditions.

The first act to arrive on stage consisted of Zachariah alone, who claimed he was about to do a magic act.

"For this act, I will chain myself into this metal box, which is warded with Enochian angel sigils, and reappear across the stage. I will only have a matter of seconds to do so. But first, may I ask for an assistant to make sure I am completely trapped?"

"Uh, I will." A small voice emanated from the stage wings. Shortly after, the owner of which tentatively stepped out onto the stage, glancing at Zachariah for approval.

"Of course!" Zachariah answered the man's silent question. "I don't remember seeing you before in Heaven or on Earth – what is your name?"

"Er… I'm – um – I'm Ezekiel. Yeah. Not the guy who let Lucifer into the garden, or anything. No. I'm totally Ezekiel." Ezekiel stuttered suspiciously, tiptoeing fully into sight as the bald-headed angel paced into the metal box and asked him to do up the chains as securely as possible. However, Ezekiel was fiddling around for longer than was necessary, and appeared to be changing the sigils inside the box. Therefore, when the box was slammed shut and Zachariah should have teleported across the stage, he remained struggling inside the metal trap for a good few minutes, and a couple of stage hands had to break him out. Ezekiel had long disappeared. The judges made no comments.

The next act was Naomi, who described her act as a different sort of dancing: "This is an interpretive dance, which I have named 'Memories.'"

"It sounds intriguing. You can start whenever you're ready." Castiel stated. For some unknown reason, Samandriel looked vaguely terrified, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

A dreamy, strange sort of hypnotic music began playing, and Naomi pranced around the stage for a while. Then she made her way down the stairs and, before any of the judges or security could stop her, she had her hands on Castiel's head and appeared to place him in some kind of trance. An angel blade promptly materialised in the seraph's hand, and he went to stab Samandriel, who was shaking like a leaf, and leaning far back in his chair.

"No… Not again!" The adorable angel screamed as the blade advanced towards him, and Naomi grinned. But the weapon didn't have chance to reach Samandriel's flesh before Michael intervened.

"No fighting or killing allowed, Naomi. You are not abiding by the rules. I hereby disqualify you." Castiel went back to his normal self, apologising to Samandriel, who breathed a shaky sigh of relief. Naomi prepared to walk off-stage.

"_I_ thought you were brilliant, darling." Balthazar quipped, winking and blowing a kiss at the second auditionee, just before she could leave. She smiled briefly at him, and then exited the stage.

"I still don't understand why we have to do this…" Castiel glanced at the head judge, squinting his eyes in confusion. Michael simply shrugged, and welcomed on the next audition.

There were a few more angels auditioning, but for a while, none of them stood out. Uriel recited a poem about how beautiful Satan is, so Michael naturally stopped him halfway through. Anna Milton, Hester, Hannah and Hael formed a girl band, but then Hannah, Hael and Anna went a bit crazy over Cas while Hester practically hissed at him, so they didn't last long. Then, after a while, a certain curly grey-haired angel that bore an uncanny resemblance to a fat owl came on stage, bearing a ludicrous-looking typewriter.

"Hello. Today, I've come here to tell you some Fanfiction ideas I have, and recite to you a couple of chapters of my latest Destie-"

"Metatron?" Castiel interrupted, yet again squinting his eyes at the irritatingly smug angel, but more in suspicion than confusion this time.

"The scribe? Ugh. Get out." Michael sighed, clearly disgusted by the mere sight of Metatron.

"Can't we at least give him a chance?" Samandriel pleaded, his obliviously innocent eyes gazing across at his fellow judges.

"Honey, you don't know this man." Balthazar replied, and began booing loudly and deliberately. The other angels, Michael and Castiel, desperately wanted to join in, however Michael's dignity wouldn't allow him to, and Castiel found it an extremely human action, therefore was slightly puzzled by it. Samandriel simply sat there, feeling sorry for Metatron as he slunk back into the wings.

Finally, the last act came on. It consisted of the second youngest archangel, and the weapons keeper of Heaven; that is, Raphael and Virgil respectively. The second they strolled onto the 'X' in the centre of the stage, Balthazar sighed the words 'bloody hell', and almost got out of his seat. However, one Sam Winchester worthy glare from Michael stopped him in his tracks. Castiel also glared unrelentingly at Raphael, but Michael couldn't really prevent that.

"Nice to see you." Samandriel greeted politely, moving on to the regulation question. "What will you be performing for us today?"

"Virgil and I will be singing, but we'd like to keep the song title a surprise." Raphael replied in his inhumanly (or rather, un-angelically) deep voice, glancing pointedly at Balthazar as he spoke.

"Very well. Whenever you're ready." Michael gestured for them to begin, his tone more irritable due to Balthazar annoying him – he had begun tutting rudely, since he couldn't leave.

The first few notes of the song drifted out from backstage, and Virgil opened his mouth to sing.

"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeel you…" His voice was hilariously high-pitched, but Raphael soon joined in with the chorus.

"And I know that my heart will go ooooooon…"

"Right, that just takes the biscuit." Balthazar's reaction was priceless. This time, the oldest archangel couldn't stop him from aggressively shoving his chairs back and storming down the excruciatingly long walk through the audience and slamming the fire exit door shut as he left.

"I will never understand Balthazar's complete abhorrence for that song." Castiel declared monotonously, shaking his head slightly at his friend's teenager-ish attitude. Sighing, Michael reluctantly raised a hand, stopping the backing track, therefore the duet of least-angelic angels.

"I do apologise, but you'll have to pick another song." Michael stated, utterly disbelieving of his younger brother's immature behaviour.

"Of course. I have another song choice, but it is only for a solo singer…" Raphael claimed, and Virgil nodded and departed from the stage.

"BALTHAZAR! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!" Hearing Michael's yelling, Balthazar replied, his voice sounding fairly close. He must have stayed behind the door when he left, inferring he was planning on returning anyway.

"ONLY IF THEY QUIT SINGING BLOODY CELINE DION!"

"IT'S OKAY, THEY'VE CHOSEN ANOTHER SONG!" Samandriel reassured Balthazar, and since the angel was so adorable and trustworthy, Balthazar took his word for it, and emerged from the fire exit once again, returning to his seat in a huff.

"This had better be good…" He grumbled quietly, so Michael couldn't have a go at him again. Raphael then began a rendition of 'Dude Looks Like a Lady', which wasn't actually half bad.

Soon after, all the auditions were over for Heaven, and the judges began deliberating over their winner.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**So, I hope you guys are enjoying this fic so far! Forgot to mention, I'll be updating only once a week for this one, since I'm also writing another fic at the same time during the week. Just as a side note: who's excited for Tuesday? :D Well, it will be Wednesday for us Brits, but I'm still over the moon. I just can't believe that season 10 is airing in only 3 days! Anyhow, I'll see you with chapter 3 next weekend!**


	3. In Which Hell's Demons Perform

Meanwhile, in the other, somewhat more hellish theatre (well, not so much aesthetically, more atmospherically), demons were queuing up backstage and preparing to perform. Inevitably, due to the generally spiteful nature of demons, many were attempting to shove in the queue before other lesser demons, which caused a massive uproar. In order to force the unruly creatures to get as close to 'good behaviour' as was possible for them, Gabriel made an example of one demon by exorcizing it through divine intervention. The demons had spent roughly a couple of days practising their acts. That is, two days Earth-time; Hell-time would be more like just under a year, however Gabriel made sure it was the same amount of time as the angels in Heaven had – despite being a fake god of mischief, the trickster was a sucker for fairness and equality.

The judges for Hell were righteously seated at their judging panel; Lucifer was naturally the head judge, just like his older brother was for Heaven (and before you ask, yes, Gabriel had done so on purpose), and sat very much like him too, with his back ramrod straight; Crowley was sat at the opposite end of the desk, still being terrified of the Devil, yet he was stubbornly reluctant to show it, therefore sat as confidently as possible with an excessively nonchalant expression on his face. The two female demons were placed in the middle – Meg seemed fairly relaxed, while Abaddon sat with her head held high, sweeping her gaze over her surroundings and fellow judges with an overt air of royalty. The girls had hit it off straight away, likely due to their shared adoration of Lucifer and, as a parallel, hatred and disgust for Crowley, therefore they sat chatting away just before the first act came on stage.

Speaking of which, the opening act consisted of Meg's father himself – Azazel – and his fabulous assistant, Brady the demon.

"Today, we will be performing for you a sort of mash-up between a piece of re-enactment and a levitation act, with an added touch of heat. Are you ready, Brady?" Azazel proclaimed confidently, winking at his daughter on the judging panel, whose face lit up like Mary Winchester.

"As I'll ever be!" Brady responded light-heartedly, flashing a wide, almost shark-like grin at their depleted audience. At those introductory words, Brady promptly strolled off stage for a brief moment, before returning with a human-sized dummy in his arms. It was quite evidently a replica of a certain hunter's girlfriend, as it wore a dainty white nightgown and its head was crowned with a wig of golden curly hair. As the demonic (bar one angelic) judges gazed upwards in awe, Azazel raised his arms wide, his eyes effectively flicking to a startling yellow, and the dummy began to rise up and up and up, right up to the ceiling of the theatre, the dummy's sightless eyes staring blankly down at them. A line of red appeared on the dummy's stomach, blooming outwards as Brady set the replica on fire using pyrokinesis, yet he remained out of sight, until a moment later. A slight kerfuffle erupted from the side of the stage, and Brady ran on out of the shadows wearing a long moose-mane of a wig, dramatically flicking it back.

"Jess! Noooo!" He yelled, acting as effeminate and weak as he could. By that time, the fire was getting a little out of hand, so a couple of demonic stage hands had to extinguish it. Azazel and Brady stood at the front of the stage and bowed.

"You were brilliant, darlings! I think you're a strong contender in this competition." Meg beamed at the couple, clapping her hands excitedly together. Meanwhile, Crowley rolled his eyes overtly and retaliated to Meg's comments.

"Well _I_ personally thought you could have added a bit more drama to it-"

"Oh my Satan, Crowley, shut up." Abaddon hastily interrupted, sighing at him before turning to Meg and smiling at her. "I agree with you, dear." The head judge made no comment, and the next act came on.

"Well hello there mmmmm judges." A nasal drawl floated out from the wings, shortly followed by another demon revealing himself.

"Alastair. Good to see you. What will you be doing for us today." Lucifer greeted, his voice containing next to no emotion, to the point where you could hardly tell he was asking a question. Though, to be fair, it would have been practically rhetorical anyway, since Alastair was flaunting a salacious flamenco dancer dress, complete with ruffled fabric and a vivid red colour adorned with white polka dots to match his eyes.

"I'll be out together, and dancing cheek to cheek with my delicious partner…" The demon finished talking, and a certain Winchester abruptly materialised on stage. The man in his thirties stumbled about, his mouth agape as he struggled to contemplate where he was, why and how he was there. It was obvious he had been participating in a hunt, as he was breathless and carrying a rock salt-loaded shotgun.

"A-Alastair…?" Dean managed to stutter out, before putting his game face on and preparing to shoot the demon. However, before he could take action, Gabriel appeared on stage and clicked his fingers, getting rid of the unnecessary human.

"At tat tat…" The archangel tutted at Alastair, simultaneously wagging his finger. "No humans allowed. You, my not-so-friend, are disqualified for that." At that, Gabriel once again performed his infamous click of the fingers and he and Alastair both disappeared.

"Well that was dramatic. I'll just be one second – I'm off to water the lilies. You can carry on without me." Crowley stated rather suddenly, and arose from his seat, teleporting away.

"Fair enough. He was getting on my nerves anyway." Abaddon retorted after he had departed.

"May the next act please step forward." Taking control of the situation, Lucifer simply let the show go on, showing the ultimate disregard for Crowley. To the second-greatest archangel, he was only a demon, after all.

The next demon hobbled on stage, looking suspiciously like another particularly sassy and awesome man, yet this one wore a defined beard.

"Hi honey! State your name and your act, then you can get on with it." Meg confirmed, smirking a lop-sided smile at the demon, since she didn't entirely recognise him.

"I am… Canton." The demon seemed unsure of himself, and his American accent was slightly tainted. He carried on nonetheless. "Yes, I'm Canton, and I will be doing a dog act." Once 'Canton' got the go ahead from the judges (namely Abaddon), a blue-ish shadow of a hell hound appeared on stage.

"Juliette! Heel! Good girl. Now, roll over. Spin, Juliette. Good girl!" The demon instructed the hell hound and praised her as she performed every trick perfectly. Once the act was finished with, the judges erupted into applause. Even Satan himself seemed vaguely impressed.

"That was great! You could be the dark horse in this competition." Abaddon complimented Canton.

"You better believe it…" The demon muttered conspicuously under his breath as he exited the stage, yet the judges chose to ignore him, since he was that good. A moment later, Crowley re-appeared in his seat on the judges' panel, taking a deep breath and addressing his fellow hellish judges.

"What did I miss?"

"A hell hound act – it's _such_ a shame you missed it, they were brilliant." Meg replied, sarcastic at first, then her annoyance at the demon dissipating into utter awe at the previous act.

"Oh, I bet. I bet he was ravishingly handsome, too." Crowley commented again, causing the judges to all turn around and stare at him in disbelief.

"How did you know it was a man?" Lucifer inquired, his intense glare making the crossroads demon shift uncomfortably and cough.

"Er… lucky guess, I suppose. Anyway, who's on next? Ah, Lilith, there we go! Welcome, dear." Rapidly changing the subject, Crowley introduced the next act, who was, indeed, Lilith. However, her current vessel was that of a little girl with braided blonde hair and a cute dress that had a pattern of seals on it.

"Aww, aren't you just the sweetest little demon? What are you doing for us today, darling?" Abaddon averted her attention from the shifty demon, instead cooing over Lilith.

"I'm going to sing!" The young white-eyed demon yelped with excitement, her eyes crinkling with joy and a terrifying yet adorable grin taking up a large percentage of her face.

"Go on then – I'm sure you'll do fantastic." Meg encouraged Lilith, who jumped with happiness in reply and began to sing.

"Boom clap the sound of Dean's heart, the beat goes on and on and on and on and…" The little girl went on, her voice sounding as innocent and sweet as candy. Once she had finished her rendition, the two girls on the panel applauded profusely, clearly appreciating how much of a good performer she was. Then, to ruin the celebratory atmosphere, Crowley opened his mouth.

"I certainly think there was room for improvement, but-"

"What did you say to me?" Lilith's face grew darker in an instant, her expression frighteningly thunderous for such a young girl. Then again, she was the most terrifying and one of the most powerful demons, despite the naïve appearance.

"Ignore him, sweetheart. You were fabulous." Abaddon cut in, before Crowley could get torn apart by Lilith via one furious glance.

"I agree with the Knight. But if you are to go far in this, if you are to become one of my most trusted contestants, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do you think you can do that?" Lucifer piped up, his tone entirely sincere and slightly petrifying. If anyone other than Lilith had been on the receiving end of such a voice, they would have likely crumbled. But Lilith was fine with it.

"Sure! Thank you, daddy!" The little girl chirped, skipping off stage.

"Phew, that was a close one. So, are you fools ready to choose a winner? I mean- you're not a fool, of course, Luci… I mean, Lucifer, sorry. Ahaha… Anyway, I think we should decide now." Crowley stammered, realising his mistake in insulting the Devil. Lucifer simply remained completely silent, staring and everyone in turn, but Crowley, most of all in order to intimidate him. However, despite the judges' hatred for the crossroads demon, they all listened to his advice and began to discuss their winner…


	4. In Which A Winner Is Chosen (Or Not)

In parallel theatres, the judges for Heaven and the judges for Hell each approached the end of their deliberation as to whom they should pick as their winner. On Heaven's side, the angels' discussion was extremely civilized, and if anyone had a disagreement (namely Balthazar – he despised not getting his own way and seemed determined to counter even the slightest opinion that any of his fellow judges had), the angels worked it out fairly rapidly. On the other hand, the three demons and one archangel for Hell's side were somewhat less courteous towards one another; naturally, Crowley was the one persistent in rebelling against the others' opinions, which led to Abaddon and Meg retaliating rather aggressively, fuelled by their pure hatred towards him. However, a mere glance from Lucifer silenced them immediately, therefore he ended up making the core decisions, which the two girls sucked up to, without fail.

Once both teams had pretty much come to a conclusion, each individual was simultaneously teleported to a theatre identical to that which they had been summoned to at the start of the whole shenanigans. As expected, the youngest archangel stood before them, acting as insouciantly as was angelically possible (which made it obvious just how much time he had spent on Earth around humans, since angels – archangels in particular – almost always stand tall above everyone else due to the fact that they all have sticks up their butts), with his arms folded and a bright orange lollipop casually peeking out of the side of his lop-sided smirk.

"Hola, not-so-amigos!" Gabriel greeted the group of supernatural beings, spontaneously unfolding his arms, instead deciding to pace nonchalantly up and down the stage. "So what was it like, having a sneak preview into the life of Simon Cowell?" In response, the demons and Balthazar simply rolled their eyes while the rest of the angels looked utterly perplexed, uncomprehending of the reference that the trickster was making. Castiel was the only one to question Gabriel's 'human' talk.

"I don't understand…" The seraph commented, staring directly at his older brother.

"Aw come on, you guys! See, this is why I always say that celestial beings should lighten up and indulge in a little fun once in a while. It'll do you good!" Gabe almost seemed offended at his siblings' complete ignorance to human culture. After a moment, however, he let it go and continued. "Aaaaaaanyhow, seeing as I'm not really one to beat around the burning bush, if you'll pardon the pun, let's get on with the show. I trust you've all made your decision – so, what's it gonna be? Who hath Heaven chosen as their reigning champion?"

Michael, Castiel and Samandriel appeared to exchange knowing glances and almost imperceptively nodded their heads at each other, excluding Balthazar, who leaned against one of the stage wings, looking bored out of his mind. Then, Michael stepped forward with an air of drama and held Gabriel's steady gaze, before declaring their winner.

"We chose… Raphael."

"Er, no. We did NOT choose that flying monkey." Balthazar piped up, a look of utter rejection on his face. It was clear that he was unsatisfied with his big brother's decision, and would argue his case until he was blue in the face (as well as his pretty eyes).

"Balthazar, I don't like it either, but he did perform to a high standard." Castiel intervened, angling his body towards his best friend as he addressed him.

"No. I won't have it. Sorry darling, but I'd rather asphyxiate myself with my own V-neck shirt than allow that… man… to win this competition."

"I somehow doubt that is possible…" Samandriel chipped in, gazing up at Balthazar with sympathetic eyes and an overall adorable expression before turning to Michael. "Brother, I respect your decision, however I also wish to please Balthazar – perhaps we should reconsider?"

"Well, I suppose Ezekiel-" Michael began, yet the youngest archangel interrupted before the argument could progress further.

"Calm down, boys, it's heated enough in here, thanks to my presence." Winking at Balthazar, Gabriel couldn't resist a little teasing joke to ease the tense atmosphere. Instead of receiving the amused and cheered-up reception he anticipated, his brothers simply all turned to glare at him in sync. Feeling uncomfortable, Gabriel shifted his weight from one foot to the other and hastily changed the subject. "Alrighty then, why don't you guys talk it out, and I'll move onto Team Down Below? Whoa, hang on, that came out wrong. I didn't mean… Whatever, Team Hell then. Who's your winner?"

Knowing he would likely be ignored anyway, Crowley smirked and snickered slightly at Gabriel's unintentional innuendo, finding himself becoming quickly attached to the guy. Meanwhile, Meg and Abaddon instantly diverted their gaze to their Father, who appeared to be brooding, as per usual. Eventually, Lucifer noticed that everyone's attention was directed towards him, therefore gradually and deliberately raised his head, his darkened eyes peering at his fellow judges from under his lowered eyebrows, then sliding his gaze over to Gabriel, who attempted to appear nonchalant, however his mask slipped slightly to reveal a vaguely sincere expression. Satan just tended to have that effect on people.

"We have decided on Canton as our winner." Lucifer's voice was barely audible, due to his unusually quiet idiolect, yet the other angels and demons picked up on it nonetheless.

"Who was Canton again? You'll have to forgive me, I'm not exactly all caught up on Hell's most famous – or not so famous – demons…" Gabriel claimed, although he was fairly 'caught up' on demonic culture.

"Oh no, Canton can't be here to receive his prize." Crowley hastily cut in, increasing his suspiciousness greatly as a shifty look blossomed on his face. "Yes, he told me backstage earlier that he had to leave, but I can collect his trophy, or whatever the winners get, for him – we're quite friendly…"

"I doubt that will be necessary, Crowley. Hang on – I thought you didn't know him?" Abaddon replied, her eyes closely scrutinizing the crossroads demon's face.

"Uh, I didn't. Not until recently-"

"Come to think of it, you and Canton do look very similar…" Meg added, also studying Crowley's facial features.

"Do we now? Well, I wouldn't know-"

"Was this seriously your big plan? Stick a beard on, perform a dog act, and boom, you're the winner? Honestly, Crowley, I thought you could do better." Abaddon was the first to blatantly state the demon's sneaky scheme. However, Crowley was adamant not to give the game away.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, clearly this 'Canton' fellow isn't-"

"Oh just shut up, Satan-hater. No one likes a cheater. Especially one that doesn't admit to it." Once again joining in with the banter, Meg placed her hands on her hips and pursed her lips at Crowley.

"Hey, that's not fair! Why should we be forced to make a legitimate decision when they're playing dirty with cheaters on their side?" Balthazar piped up, striding over from the other side of the stage and wagging an accusatory finger at the demons.

"That's not what you were calling me last night!" Crowley spat back at Balthazar, to which a few people in the background responded by 'OOOOOOH-ing'.

"Maybe not, but at least I don't visit my mummy to drink tea with in Hell every day!"

"At least I have a mother!"

"Well you have a deadbeat dad!"

"That's rich coming from you!"

"You… you look terrible in black! And your hellhound stinks of rotten holy water!"

"Oh, my fashion sucks? V-NECKS DON'T EVEN SUIT YOU!"

"HOW DARE YOU BRING V-NECKS INTO THIS?!"

"Alright, boys, you can put them away now- BOYS! PLEASE!" Abaddon finally took the initiative and split the angel and demon apart, since it looked like they were about to start throwing angel blades at each other's throats. The Knight of Hell then turned on the creator of the whole competition. "Gabe? Were you just gonna stand back and let them murder each other?"

"What? It's not like I'm gonna deprive myself of quality entertainment! That was the next best thing to watching those Winchester goons fighting." Gabriel couldn't resist grinning. However, he rapidly grew concerned when the face of every single person, angel, archangel or demon grew abruptly sombre, and eight pairs of eyes moved ever so slightly to the right of the trickster.

"What are you- Wait, there's someone behind me, isn't there?" Everyone responded by remaining completely silent, even Crowley and Balthazar, which is saying something. Then Gabriel's excessive curiosity got the better of him. Unlike his big brother Luci, the younger archangel despised leaving himself in suspense simply to make a point of being dramatic, therefore his head whipped around instantly, for him to discover Chuck Shurley stood rather awkwardly behind him, looking as if he didn't really want to be there. Then again, his facial expression sort of looked like that permanently, so it didn't really make a difference.

"Um… hi, I guess." Out of Chuck's mouth fell a jumble of minimal words, with a filler thrown in, which arranged themselves in such a way that they formed the most gauche greeting to ever exist. The demons and Lucifer on Hell's side all had disbelieving expressions plastered across their faces; they were all very aware of the fact that the man in front of them was the Almighty Prophet of the Lord, they'd heard of him even before Crowley's obsession with prophets had begun – although Chuck was no longer a prophet, he was practically God by now – and the fact that he looked so… ordinary… just shocked them to the core. Meanwhile, the angels had all met him before, so they just looked at each other and seemed to be rather amused after observing the comical reactions of Hell's most petrifying. Well, as amused as marble statues of celestial intent could be. After briefly flitting his gaze across each individual, Chuck half-smiled nervously at everyone and carried on speaking, however he addressed Gabriel directly this time.

"Gabe… What have I told you about wasting these people's time? First you only pranked humans, then you got involved with a few angels, and now it's two demons, three angels, three _arch_angels – including Satan himself – and a Knight of Hell! None of us have time for this, Gabriel!"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" The trickster reluctantly apologised, but Chuck wasn't having any of it.

"No, you have to learn when to stop! Okay, yeah, creating a reality TV show for your own entertainment is pretty harmless, but what exactly were you planning on doing after getting the winners from each side, huh? Making them fight to the death?"

"How did you-"

"It doesn't matter how I knew – now just get them back home, okay? Me-damnit, Gabe, you could have single-handedly started a war if you finished this! Now apologise!"

"Sorry, Chuck-"

"No, not to me, to them!"

"Seriously? Do I have to?"

"Does it look like I'm joking?"

After the most tremendous and sulky child worthy sigh, Gabriel finally gave in. He swivelled his head dramatically to face the 8-strong group and apologised as sarcastically as he could get away with. "Sorry, okay? And I guess I'll probably not do it again, at least while Chuck's around…"

"Alright, don't push your luck." In spite of himself, Chuck couldn't prevent a tiny smile from playing upon his lips. "Send them back now, please Gabe. I know it's not difficult for you, so don't try and fool me."

"But I haven't finished the competition yet!"

"I don't care – send them back."

"But Daaaaaad…" One well-practised stern glare from Chuck caused the archangel to emit another over-exaggerated sigh before eventually obeying his Father.

"Well, it was so totally awesome seeing you guys, I hope you all had oodles of fun. A second date would be great, if you're up for it-" Seeing Chuck's disapproving expression once again, Gabriel quit his blabbing, rolled his eyes one final time, wiggled his infamously fabulous eyebrows, and clicked his fingers.

**A/N:**

**Well this is the end of another fanfic! I have to say, so far, out of all the (eight) fanfictions I've written, this was by far the most fun to write – Gabriel is just such a great character to write, and I really hope I've done him justice. In planning this, I actually came up with another idea for a fanfic with Gabriel and Chuck (which may or may not be based off Richard and Rob's friendship in real life), so I might write that next, but I'm not sure. Anyway, a big thank you once again to those who have followed, favourited and reviewed this fic, your support means a lot – especially blackrabbitkani, you really have motivated me with all of my fics and you never fail to support me **** So I guess I'll see you guys soon with my next fic!**


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